On what it looks like at the beginning *TRIGGER WARNING* references abusive relationships.

This Blog isn’t funny.  Sorry.  There aren’t any memes, or jokes or light hearted moments.

At the beginning, it looks like falling in love.  You want to be together every moment, you lose interest in your family and friends, and you just want to be with that new, fascinating, sexy person who you just met.

That’s just normal, right?

At the beginning, it looks like you have so much in common.  You talk every minute that you aren’t touching, and you talk about the things that you both love.  You bond over matching memories, similar experiences and related traumas.  You just GET each other, like noone else has ever got you before.

That’s normal, right?

At the beginning, it looks like you can move mountains together, and that you can do anything with that person beside you.  It looks like love.  It looks like a shared future.  It looks like wonder and amazement and the most amazing luck that this person is here in front of you.

That’s normal, right?

Then, one time, you tell them that you are going to do something, and they don’t like the idea.  Maybe they tell you, maybe they don’t.  You have an argument.  You realise that maybe there is a difference here, maybe you don’t always think exactly the same.  You hurt and are hurt.  You say things you never thought would apply to this perfect specimen of human, and they say things back that tear you to your core.  You weep, you second guess, you tell your mum or your best friend, or your dad…. and you think maybe, maybe it was all a dream, and maybe it is over already.

That’s normal, right?

Then they apologise.  They never meant to call you that, they were tired, they had a bad day at work, they hadn’t eaten.  You know you said things you didn’t mean to , too, so you accept the apology.  You thank god that the first fight is over, that they didn’t mean those things.  You make plans for your future, start dreaming again, revel in their smile and the gentle lazy touch of their hand on your skin.  You breathe deeply the feeling that everything is ok.  That it was just a bump in the road, not the parting of ways.

That’s normal, right?

You spend more time together, you meet each others friends, you end each others sentences and start each others smiles.  You laugh together.  You discuss budgets, and they make so much sense, that you follow their financial advice.  You start saving for a holiday, or a car, or a house, together.  You talk about living together, but not yet, just one day.  You want three kids, and a Labrador.

That’s normal, right?

You have another fight, when you want to go to your brothers birthday.  Your ex is going to be there, because they are still friends, and your new love doesn’t feel comfortable.  They feel like your brother should not put you in that situation, and when you think about it, you agree.  Why isn’t your brother more loyal to you?  Why is your ex invited to a family event?  Can’t he see how inappropriate that is.  You don’t go. Instead, you and your love go to a movie, and it is a such a wonderful night.

That’s normal, right?

You start a new job, your dream job.  Your love is so proud of you, tells all their friends how hard you worked to get it.  But, the new work mates have drinks every Friday, and your love isn’t so keen on that part.  You always hang out on Fridays, it is date night! So, you skip the drinks, and your work mates don’t get to know you.  They think that you are a bit stand offish.  You don’t have much to talk to them about, either, and though nobody dislikes anybody, nobody is talking to you either.  You haven’t seen your mum for a while, because she is mad that you blew her off so many times, now,  but, that’s only because you’re busy at work, and your love needs your attention, things are hard at Uni, and they really need your support.  You’re a grown ass adult, and mum just needs to realise that you can’t be her baby anymore.

That’s normal, right?

In the beginning, abuse looks a lot like normal.  The warning signs are there in retrospect.  If I tell you that the next time you fight with your love, they pushed you down, and then cried as they apologised and begged you to forgive them, you can see the warning signs, clear as day.  But.  By then.  You are in love. And then, it is not so easy to leave.  Easier, by far, to say, it was a fight, they love me.  They didn’t mean to hurt me.  They are so sorry.  I was being a dick too, I know they hate it when I hang out with people they don’t know.  I shouldn’t be surprised that they are upset when I do things I know upset them.  I know it won’t happen again.

In the beginning, abuse looks a lot like falling in love.



One thought on “On what it looks like at the beginning *TRIGGER WARNING* references abusive relationships.

  1. ardentmama says:

    Not all abuse looks the same. Sometimes you might think you nearest & dearest are ok with the way are being treated, so you say nothing. Don’t say nothing. They might just need sometime to validate their experience to help them see its not ok.


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