First a quick apology for my absence. Yes I have received your PM’s asking if I was okay, and would there be another post soon. I have been lost in the silent vortex of January, and like the last several, it didn’t disappoint for challenging my fucking will to live. for those new to this program January has become a traditional time for disaster and unanticipated challenges in my personal family life over the last 39 years. In recent years, we have had all sorts of January challenges, and I now tend to approach January a bit how I would this situation
Yeah. I went there.
So, in January I try to keep all the lines of sight clear and clutter my life with minimal obstacles to tackle. It reduces the likelihood of this happening too often.
Moving on. I survived January relatively unscathed and was thrust head first into hell dimension worse than anything you ever saw on Buffy. There were the predictable early evils of A new year. School enrollments (all the chillen’s back to studying this year, so much study link red tape wading was done), buying things that don’t work any more or got lost five minutes after the last time I bought them, working in devastating heat, reorganizing all the furniture in the house to create study spots for everyone.
Then there were a couple of horribly sad things. People dying well before their time, taking pieces of other people with them and leaving behind aching holes of sadness that no amount of cake, tea or slightly inappropriately sarcastic humour could fill (you work with what you have, right people?).
My thoughts on THAT particular situation have already been written pretty well by my amazing friend and bestie, Dee, who wrote this piece about different-but-the-same-feels.
I felt briefly like I was about to Lose my balls, but then I remembered said I would do the things, so I need to do the damn things! I enrolled, back in November, to study some more this year. Because I have all the extra time and all the motivation in the world, right. Right?
So now I find myself, in the illustrious position of woking fulltime, studying for a 30 point paper at level 8, and preparing for my MSR at the same time.
MSR: The process by which all midwives in New Zealand prove that they are meeting their profession and educational requirements for their APC and are not too shit at it. It requires a billion concentration. You have to remember to book it, remember to pay for it, remember to prepare for it, remember to put things in the actual physical post, and oh yeah…. you have to write a bunch of reflections to put it in it. The thing with that is, there are as many ways to reflect as there are to kill a vampire.
Things to reflect might fly at you like…. weeelllll. Like these guys
Boom, they are there and you need to deal with them RIGHT now. Of course, they seem to be hiding some nefarious plan to break you entirely as a person, and offering them tea seems a bad place to start, so often procrastination is necessary, at least until you know what day The Doctor will be showing up to get rid of them. so you do a good job of hunting out your certificates and looking at your non specific reflections to find one that is adaptable to the Standards. You complain to your colleagues and your family and to strangers that you’ve never met yet and you may even ugly cry after a bottle of two of wine and make a new friend. All the while there’s a large gathering of solid looking cybermen chasing you around. Its a challenge to procrastinate in those circumstances.
So, you do it, and you think about it an you get a blog idea, but not for right now, because now you’ve got that Bloody pre reading to do before class. And actually theres no food or highlighters and who can study without food and highlighters?
In among all of this, I keep fighting with the people I love. Not like, kick down drag out our family may not survive this just, we are all on edge and working too hard and overdue a fucking nice thing to happen and are using up all our civility at work. So there’s that in the background. I’ve made this city my home, and now I need to make my home this city. The family needs to leave the house, for a positive reason, as a group, once a month AT LEAST. Ideas on achieving this on a budget of 50c/person are welcome!
So now, I am reading. Studying. Making notes in the margin and keeping track of what I have read, and tossing out words like The Discourse of midwifery and thinking hmmm, when I placed the IV, that was all the kinds of knowledge at once, so what the fuck does that mean in reflective analysis? How the fuck do I write that and keep it under a very arbitrary 2500 words? How long exactly till they figure out I am a minivan in this car park?
This is that feeling that you get when you feel like a fraud. I feel it all the time, even when I know I have a perfect right to be there. But at heart, I am a pregnant teenager blagging my way into job interviews with charm and sarcasm and a slightly intimidating sideways glance that hints at the possibility of human rights discrimination cases in your future if you don’t just let me fucking take on this fourth job that I am in no way qualified for.
The problem with blagging your way into things you really really aren’t qualified for, it that it leaves you with a slight inferiority complex. You wait for the next person who walks into the roon to say gently but firmly, “oh honeyy….. Sorry this isn’t for YOU”
Which would leave me doing this with my balls, most likely.
But I am doing it all for a reason. Said reason utterly escaped me right now, so I am probably not gonna get there to explain it well. But, I promise some things. There will be more things that go wrong than what I anticipate right now.
But as certainly as I am sure that in the morning, I don’t have to go to work for the day, I am equally certain that I will be a good friend to people this year. That I will take a holiday at some point this year. That I will find a real connection with a new friend. That I will write at least three borderline inappropriate blog posts about politics (I have three in my head right now, but this one had to come first. I will enjoy the rest of the year without burying myself in my usual doom and gloom realist approach to life. There will be cake, Karaoke and laughter. There may even be an attempt at regular walks. I will absolutely definitely do at least one thing that everyone around me is surprised by. And the next post will be way freaking better than this.
This is the year I turn 40, bitches. I am gonna make it mine. But I am super amped to share it with all of you, too.
Thanks for reading peeps!